Crude Food

If there’s one thing worth noting about Crude Food it’s that my kitchen is well equipped. Granted, I don’t have a different piece of crockery for every job, but my arsenal is enough to cover every eventuality (what do you mean you can’t peel potatoes with scissors?).

The point I’m trying to make here is that it’s really worth investing in some bits and bobs. One of these bits is a wok. In my opinion you can’t call your little sink/cupboard/fridge room a kitchen until it’s got a wok in it. But why?

The beauty of a wok is that you can do absolutely anything in it (within reason (fighting and/or sex in a wok is probably off the cards)). There’s no need for large amounts of oil which means you can mix and match with everything you’re cooking. Sometimes I lean into the cupboard and cook whatever my sleeve knocks into the wok. Here is a classic example of wok-tastic ‘cooking’. Crude styleee.

You will need:

- Oil (‘stir fy oil’ containing garlic and ginger is AMAZING, but olive oil will do (try to add garlic and ginger if you cant get hold of any of this oil)).
- Salad (any of your favourites - this one is interchangeable).
- Meat (bacon in this case - anything you fancy otherwise).
- Noodles.
- Soy sauce.

As I say: you can get away with changing any of the ingredients as long as you try to keep them in the same sort of category (who am I kidding? Make your own category! If you change the bacon for chocolate and the salad for plastic it still might work (if anyone tries this you HAVE to show me how it went)).

Splash a small amount of oil around the wok. Now it’s worth mentioning that when you put the wok away you’re supposed to layer it with a sheen of oil after you’ve cleaned it. If you’re storing it properly you may not need to add any oil at all.. I’m using it at this stage more for the ginger and garlic. Add meat.

The key at this point is to make sure it’s never left too long to sit still. Keep moving the food around and around. Add noodles.

Once you’ve got the noodles mostly separated you can add in the salad. As you may have seen before salad tends to shrivel when you put it under a lot of heat, so don’t be shy with the amount you put in. It’s always good to have as much salad as you can: the texture in this dish is amazing, and you’ll be able to eat double what you’d expect.

Keep it stirred. Wait until you can see browned edges here and there on the bacon and the more hardy parts of the salad arrangement.. whack it in a bowl and add soy sauce to taste.

This one is probably among the more complicated of the ‘meals’ I’ll be posting about, just to give you an idea of just how crude this food is going to be. It’s really really easy, it goes in your mouth and makes your stomach stfu. It’s as simple as that.

For an alternative try fish (I’m going to say tuna to keep with the “students are we” idea, but sea bass is really nice (fairly cheap) and the dude behind the counter will gladly fillet it for you) with spring onions and pesto!

Wok. Done.

Crude.

What? Tuna mayonnaise? That’s not crude food.. that’s just tuna.. and mayo..

Well then my friends! I’ll forgive you this time because you’re all going to be fairly new to the concept. Well: many people are because I’ve never blogged about my ‘adventurous’ ‘cooking’ before.

This one is a solution to the age old “hack mouth”. You know when you eat too much chocolate and you need a drink? Or you drink too much milk and you need to sort your throat out?

This is the equivalent, but for tuna.

What you will need:

- Tuna.
- Mayo.
- Apple (green preferably: not to worry otherwise).
- Fork/Knife/Spoon/Tin opener.

I’m going to give this one a 2/10 difficulty rating. IF YOU STRUGGLE WITH THIS MEAL, DON’T WORRY. THEY’LL BE HERE TO COLLECT YOU SOON!

So we’re going to use the knife on the apples. The spoon on the mayo. The tin opener on ..the tin.

Cut the apples into chunks (not too small, so that you can tell when you’re eating it (much like our sausages from the pizza beans)), and drain the tuna.

Take a nice dollop of mayo.

Put it all in a bowl.

Wait?!

The SAME BOWL!?!?!!!

Yes.. put it all in the same bowl. The effect that you’re left with is a good amount of tuna (mmmm.. healthy healthy tuna) without the taste being too overwhelming. Tuna can be dull at the best of times, and this spices things up a little bit so that you don’t lose interest before it’s all been eaten.

You balance the texture out with the mayo and the occasional (I’d say around 1.5 per fork-full) bite of apple. I understand this one is a bit strange when you first see it, but it’s something I’ve been fed since I was a kid: it’s damn good.

It’s really easy to make, relatively healthy, and it takes next to no time to shove it all in your face.

Tuna Mayo. Quick, easy, and good.

Crude.